What I Wish Everyone Knew About Arousal (It's Not What You Think)
Here's something that took me years to figure out: arousal isn't a switch. It's not something that's either on or off, and there's nothing wrong with you if it doesn't work the way movies and romance novels suggest it should.
For most of my adult life, I thought desire was supposed to hit like lightning—spontaneous, urgent, unmistakable. When it didn't always show up that way, I wondered what was wrong with me. Turns out, nothing was wrong. I just didn't understand how arousal actually works.
So let me share what I've learned, because this information genuinely changed how I think about intimacy, my body, and connection.
The Dual Control Model: Your Sexual Accelerator and Brakes
Researchers at the Kinsey Institute developed something called the Dual Control Model of sexual response. The basic idea is elegant: your arousal system has two parts working simultaneously.
The Sexual Excitation System (SES) is your accelerator. It responds to sexually relevant stimuli—things you see, hear, smell, touch, or imagine that your brain tags as potentially arousing. It sends the "turn on" signal.
The Sexual Inhibition System (SIS) is your brake. It responds to potential threats—stress, anxiety, self-consciousness, relationship tension, or anything that signals "this isn't a good time." It sends the "not now" signal.
Here's the crucial part: these systems are independent. Your accelerator might be getting plenty of input, but if your brake is engaged, you won't feel aroused. And everyone has a different sensitivity level for both systems.
Why This Matters More Than You Think
Understanding this model reframes so much of what we get wrong about arousal.
"I'm just not in the mood" often means "my brakes are on," not "my accelerator is broken." The solution isn't more stimulation—it's figuring out what's hitting the brakes and addressing that first. Stress from work? Unresolved argument? Feeling disconnected? Self-consciousness about your body? These aren't mood killers; they're brake activators.
"Why don't I want sex more often?" might not be about low desire at all. You might have a sensitive brake system that responds strongly to context. The desire is there—it just needs the right conditions to emerge.
"We're just not sexually compatible" sometimes really means "we have different accelerator and brake sensitivities, and we haven't learned each other's patterns yet." One partner might have a hair-trigger accelerator and barely sensitive brakes. The other might need lots of accelerator input and have very sensitive brakes. Neither is wrong—they're just different.
Responsive vs. Spontaneous Desire
Related to this is the concept of responsive versus spontaneous desire, which sex educator Emily Nagoski explores extensively in her work.
Spontaneous desire appears seemingly out of nowhere—you're going about your day and suddenly think, "I want sex." This is the type we see in movies and assume is normal.
Responsive desire emerges in response to stimulation that's already happening. You might not feel any desire beforehand, but once things start—a kiss, a touch, an intimate conversation—the desire shows up.
Research suggests most women experience primarily responsive desire, while our cultural script assumes spontaneous desire is the default. This mismatch causes so much unnecessary confusion and self-doubt.
If you experience responsive desire, there's nothing to fix. You just need to create the conditions for arousal to emerge, rather than waiting for it to strike spontaneously.
Getting to Know Your Own System
Here's what I'd encourage you to explore:
Map your accelerators. What turns you on? Not just physical touch, but context. Feeling desired? Feeling relaxed? Certain times of day? After emotional connection? When you feel confident? Pay attention to what's present when arousal shows up.
Map your brakes. What shuts things down? Stress? Feeling rushed? Body image concerns? Relationship tension? Distraction? Knowing your brakes is often more important than knowing your accelerators.
Share what you learn. If you have a partner, this information is invaluable. "I need the brakes off before the accelerator matters" is more useful than "I don't know why I'm not in the mood."
The Bottom Line
Your arousal system isn't broken. It's not too slow, too fast, or too complicated. It's doing exactly what it evolved to do—responding to context, balancing opportunity against threat, protecting you while seeking pleasure.
Once you understand the mechanics, you can work with your body instead of against it. And that changes everything.
Curious to learn more? Emily Nagoski's book Come As You Are is the best deep dive into this topic. It's science-backed, compassionate, and genuinely life-changing.
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Veronica writes about intimacy, connection, and sexual wellness at StrongSoftSexy.com. She believes in joyful, authentic conversations about pleasure—no shame, no judgment, just real talk.
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